You ever have one of those days when the mood to see a movie hits you, so you head down to the nearest theater not knowing what’s playing?
I had one of those days one Saturday in March 2001 when fellow TNU member John and I headed to the Showcase Cinema in Randolph MA. It was a last-minute decision to see a movie, and we figured we’d pick a movie once we saw what was playing when we got there.
But this being a Saturday night, the place was packed. It took us a while to find a parking spot, so by the time we got into the building, our movie choices were, “Heartbreakers” and “Exit Wounds.”
I cast my vote for the action extravaganza “Exit Wounds,” starring former American actor Steven Seagal, and then popular rapper, DMX. John however, refused to see anything starring Steven Seagal. I don’t know what Seagal did to John, but his rejection sounded personal. John instead voted to see caper-romantic comedy “Heartbreakers,” starring Sigourney Weaver, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ray Liotta, Jason Lee, and Gene Hackman.
If you don’t remember “Heartbreakers,” the movie is kinda like “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels,” but without the funny stuff. On the plus side, “Heartbreakers” does have Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing tiny dresses. I guess the filmmakers decided that was enough for teenagers and 20 somethings to go see the movie.
Weaver and Hewitt play Max and Page, a mother-daughter con team. Their scam is simple: Weaver marries a rich guy and then catches him in a compromising position with Hewitt, after which they land a big divorce settlement from the unsuspecting guy. And if I remember correctly, Sigourney Weaver claims in the movie that this scam has worked over 10 times.
At the time, Jennifer Love Hewitt was 21-22 years old. So unless the two characters ran the scam multiple times a year, I guess Sigourney Weaver was using her underage daughter in the criminal activities. Talk about creepy.
Anyways, Weaver and Hewitt’s latest victim is Dean (Ray Liotta), a chop-shop owner who falls for and marries Weaver. But within a couple of days, he’s caught at work with his “secretary” played by Hewitt.
After taking Liotta tot he cleaners in the divorce, the two women head to Florida for another job, this time the target is Gene Hackman. He plays William B. Tensy, a chain-smoking tobacco billionaire who lives on the water in Palm Beach with his housekeeper played by Nora Dunn. My guess is that Hackman needed a paycheck badly, because I see no other reason why a man with his talent would appear in such a bad movie.
By the time Sigourney Weaver sings “Back in the U.S.S.R.” in a nightclub, I was rolling my eyes at everything in this movie. Not even Jennifer Love Hewitt’s err, assets, were enough to keep me entertained. And to make matters worse, I forgot where I parked.