Guess what boys and girls? The monstrosity known as The MTV Video Music Awards returns to your television this Sunday night!
Unlike last year when Miley Cyrus hosted the event, I don’t believe this year’s show has a host. But you never know, MTV might pull a VJ out of the attic, give him or her $20 to host the 2016 festivities.
Anywho, as per tradition, I don’t plan to watch the show this evening. But since MTV is still giving out awards for something they don’t air anymore, I figured its time to bring you the fourth annual TNU Video Music Awards! Live-ish from the Sydney Opera House, this year’s TNU VMAs are hosted by our very own Laneit! Therefore, parental guidance is suggested.
Now, before Laneit kicks off the show with a number from “Evita,” here is something to remember about the TNU VMAs: I don’t listen to current music, so most of the music videos listed below are old. Well, most of them anyways. And away we go…
Award: This is Your Brain on Drugs
Winner: Barry Manilow “Copacabana”
First of all, I know it was the seventies, but couldn’t Barry find a sweater his own size? Second, oh never mind, I don’t think I could watch this video again.
Award: Michael Bolton Look-a-like
Winner: Joshua Kadison “Beautiful In My Eyes”
I can’t say I remember that looking like Michael Bolton was a thing in the early 90’s, but maybe it was. Whatever the case was, Joshua Kadison pulled off the look. That’s probably not a good thing though.
Award: A Case of Mistaken Identity
Winner: Tina Turner “Better Be Good to Me”
See the shoeless guy that grabs Tina and then bows to her? Well, for years I thought that was Tim Roth dancing around Tina Turner, but it turns out it was come guy named CY Curnin of some band called The Fixx.
I apologize for any confusion my mistake may have caused
Award: Best Lyrics
Winner: Patrick Hernandez “Born to be Alive”
“Born to be Alive” is one of the first songs that I remember liking. I know that’s a bit weird, but so am I, so it works.
Anyways, it wasn’t until I was much older that I realized this song probably took about 20 minutes to write. There really aren’t that many lyrics to “Born to be Alive,” but I still kinda like the song.
Award: Stop the Traffic!
Winner: Diana Ross “Why Do Fools Fall In Love”
I get the feeling a lot of those tourists were asking themselves why they couldn’t cross the street. Then someone yelled out, “Hey, isn’t that Tina Turner?” which probably set Diana off, and she kept the street closed a few more hours.
Award: Sure to Give You Nightmares
Winner: Miami Sound Machine “Bad Boy”
I still don’t know what the music video has to do with the song. Perhaps Gloria Stefan was just a big fan of Cats back then? Or maybe Gloria and the Miami Sound Machine had no choice in the matter. Either way, “Bad Boy” is still a creepy video 30 years later.
Award: A Sure Case of False Advertising
Winner: Gary Numan “Cars”
For a song that has lyrics like:
“Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live
I fail to see any cars in this video. And the shot of Gary Numan acting like he’s holding a steering wheel does not count.
Even if the video’s budget didn’t allow them many cars, they should have had at keast one. It didn’t have to be a fancy car, any car would have been fine. Somebody in the band or crew must have owned a Chevy Chevette.
Award: Careful! You Might Catch Something from this Video
Winner: Eric Prydz “Call On Me”
I don’t know who Eric Prydz is, but I’m betting he had fun filming this video. Also, I hope they got Steve Winwood”s permission to sample his song, or at least invited him to set.
Awards: Wardrobe Malfunction; Best Editing; Video fo the Year
Winner: Sabrina Salerno “Boys (Summertime Love)”
Two things you need to know before watching this video:
1. You probably shouldn’t watch it with kids around.
2. Play it on mute, because if you don’t, you will have this terrible 80’s song stuck in your head for days.
Still with me? okay, so picture this: I’m 9 years old, home from school because I’m sick. So as any kid of the 1980’s I put on a local channel that aired an hour of music videos early in the morning.
All of the sudden, this Sabrina Salerno video comes on. And what the what did I just see? I told myself I must ave been seeing things, but the next day I saw my best friend and neighbor and he started telling me about this music video with a girl in a white swimsuit.
Anyways, from that day on both of us would make sure to tune in every morning to see if the Sabrina Salerno video came back on. Kids do the darndest things don’t they?
So that’s it ladies and gentlemen, we hope you enjoyed the 2016 TNU Video Music Awards! And don’t worry about Laneit, we have word from the hospital that he did not break his hip during the opening number. Until next year America!