I have no words…
I have no words…
Remember how much fun pro wrestling was in the 1980’s? Back in the day, WWF wrestling was a weekly superhero action drama as opposed to the cookie cutter PG crap they dish out today. I didn’t care that it was fake, simply put: Wrestling in the 80’s was great Saturday morning fun.
Back in the day, the WWF was loaded with superstars like Rowdy Roddy Piper, Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Ravishing Rick Rude, Brutus The Barber Beefcake, The Bushwackers, Andre The Giant, Jake The Snake Roberts, and my favorite, The Ultimate Warrior.
But one wrestler stood above them all, and that man was Hulk Hogan. Hulkamania ran wild for years, and Hogan he became the most famous wrestling star of the era.
Hulk Hogan was everywhere from toys, cereal boxes, books, and Satrday morning cartoons. With his popularity at an all time high, the next logical step was the movie business. Enter 1989’s “No Holds Barred.”
Meet Rip Thomas. Why is he named Rip? I’m guessing because he liked to rip his shirt off before ripipping his opponents apart in the ring! When you think about it, that sounds a lot like Hulk Hogan. But then again, maybe he’s named Rip because his catchphrase is “RIP ‘EM!” Either way, that’s not much of a back story for the lead character.
Naturally this being a wrestling movie, it needs some bad guys for Rip to torment. The main villain of “No Holds Barred” is the CEO of the World Television Network, Brell (played by Kurt Fuller). You see kids, Brell is angry that hist television network is in last place, and he blames Rip. Brell first tries to sign Rip to a contract, but is turned down. I don’t remember quite where, but at some point during the contract negotiations Brell hollers “I want that JOCK ASS on my network!” Yes, script writing has come a long way in twenty-five years.
Anyways, Brell sends Rip home in his limo, but his goons are waiting to kick the Oreos out of him. Rip soon figures out it’s a trap, and tries to escape the limo by kicking the doors. The limo makes it to the waiting thugs, but these guys clearly don’t know who they’re messing with. Rip actually explodes through the ceiling of the limo like the Incredible Hulk complete with angry growls.
It was at this point, that I realized I made huge mistake by paying to see this movie and not “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” But since I was with a bunch of people, I had to stay.
After making the limo driver crap his pants, Rip returns to the office and meets his new account executive, Samantha (Joan Severance). Sam is of course drop dead gorgeous with a body that makes Rip giggle like a little school girl.
Joan Severance is nice to look at, but her character really served no purpose in the movie. Although she was in a few memorable scenes. Like during one of her and Rip dates, the place they’re eating in gets robbed. Of course Rip has to do something. But how does a man like Rip beat armed robbers? By throwing pies at them.
Meanwhile, Brell decides if he can’t sign Rip to a contract, he must a find a more evil way to change his mind. Brell holds a press conference and announces that his World Television Network is debuting a brand new event: The Battle of the Tough Guys!
Yup, that was the best name the screenwriters could come up with.
Basically, the Battle of the Tough Guys invites all tough guys in the country to come to the No Count Bar and fight to see just how tough they really are. The winner of the battle wins $100,000 tax-free. So the show kicks off and the tough guys brawl for it all until giant guy appears. Holy cow, its Zeus! But you may know him as Tommy “Tiny” Lister.
When Zeus shows up, he kicks down a wall (yup a freaking wall). Everyone goes silent, but for some reason one of the waitresses decides to go up and to talk to Zeus. The mighty Zeus is not amused, so he picks her up by the face and tosses her aside. Keep in mind this is a movie a lot of kids probably begged their parents to take them to.
While all this is happening, Rip and Sam become closer. Even though she admits to being hired by Brell to seduce Rip. Luckily Sam has a change of heart, falls for Rip, and stares at his ass, a lot. Then, just when it looked like Rip might get some action, Zeus appears on the TV and says, “Riiiip! I know you out there! I’m waiting! Yessss! A challenge! Ahhhhhhh!”
Rip doesn’t take the bait, so Zeus decides to beat the shinola out of Rip’s brother Randy who is now in the hospital unconscious. I don’t know why, but I have the feeling the guy playing Randy didn’t mind being written out for a while. Also, Samantha got attacked, but was saved by Rip in the nick of time. There’s only so much a man can take, so Rip agrees to fight Zeus, but not before another 80’s training montage.
the big day finally arrives, but just before the fight, Rip gets a call from Brell who informs him that he’s taken Samantha hostage and if Rip doesn’t throw the fight, Samantha is gonna end up in a wheelchair, just like Randy! Dammit this drama is killing me. The news makes Rip even angrier, so he sends some of his pals to go find Samantha while he battles Zeus. but it wasn’t all bad news for the Ripsetr, Randy is there in his wheel chair and tells Rip to… RIP ‘EM!
A long fight ensues, and the Ripster does the hulk Hogan hulking up thing and knocks Zeus off of a ledge down into the middle of the octagon ring below. Zeus lands so hard that the entire ring caves in on itself. Zeus lays there completely unconscious. Is he dead? Since he showed up at Summerslam 89 my guess would be no. Now that Zeus has been dealt with, Rip turns his attention to Brell.
In the end, Brell is electrocuted, but not before scraming “You stay away! Stay away you jock ass!” I’m not really sure what that is, but I’m surprised Vince McMahon didn’t try to trademark the phrase. With all the bad guys now dealt with, Rip celebrates as on Rip can. No, he doesn’t kiss his hot girlfriend like in most action movies. Oh no, Rip celebrates by hoisting up his crippled brother as they both make the “RIP ‘EM!” gesture one more time.
“No Holds Barred” didn’t break any box office records, it was a bomb in the summer of 1989. The movie bearely earned $16,093,651 at the box office, and Hogan’s movie career never recovered. The WWF tried its best to earn back some of it money, going as far as producing an event called “No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie.”
The event was shown on pay-per-view, on December 27, 1989. Those who purchased the program got to see the movie in its entirety, followed by a pre-recorded match between WWF Champion Hulk Hogan & Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. “Macho King” Randy Savage & Zeus.
Yes, “No Holds Barred” is one terrible movie, but it’s also a downright hilarious 1980’s hidden gem worth watching just once.
All the clocks in the land have stuck midnight. As a result, Laneit has left the ball, and turned back into a pumpkin. Playing the role of the evil step-mom, none other than John. The battle between Good Looking and Itchy was a confrontation for the ages, rivaled only by Gore vs. Bush, North vs. South, and Hogan vs. Savage.
John’s Crusty Jugglers took down Laneit’s TNU squad 290 – 240. John and his Jugglers have come up strong regularly and have now won four straight. The win makes it three in a row for John over Laneit., including a 367 – 269 smack down in Week 9, the last time they met. With the victory John moves to the championship game for, I think, the first time. after the game, the fireworks show over Boston Harbor woke up most of the city. The huge celebration went into the next day and featured performances by magicians, clowns, and muppets.
Laneit now has an entire offseason to ponder what could have been. If only he’d started Sam Bradford, he would have won in a landslide. To say he didn’t take the loss well, would be an understatement. Various news outlets caught a glimpse of Laneit as he drowned his sorrows in a Mint Cookie Crunch at Friendly’s.
Did you know: Christmas came early this year.
After Sunday’s early games, my Tacos Al Carbon team was facing a 54 point deficit. But thanks to Tom Brady and Tony Romo, my guys managed to pull off a shocking 317 – 282 comeback win on Sunday night. Tacos Al Carbon has been a powerhouse and has now won five straight. Tacos Al Carbon goes to 2-1 head-to-head this season against Old man weeden, including a Week 13 repeat win (340 – 319) the last time the teams met. The outcome could have been worse, Tacos Al Carbon had Lawrence Tynes score zero points, and two wide receivers combined for 3 points.
Thanks to the comeback win, I have a chance to not only repeat as champion, but win three out of the last four. It won’t be easy, John has a very good team this year and has been on a roll for the last month. The good news is, he’s easily distracted by shiny things, which should give me an advantage. The bad news is, John’s wife likes to knock out his opponents with frozen turkeys.
The championship match is set. Maz vs. John, winner take all. I hope the isn’t a swimsuit competition.